before you optimized
You regain it little by little
Who you were before it all started
Before the calculator, the optimizer
You laugh freely for the first time in years and it sparks a connection that races down the memory lane of your neurons and subconscious, linking you to the past self who once, laughed freely
Unfiltered
The she who did not say
“Sorry for laughing so much, sorry for taking up too much of this situation” The she who cried when she was sad
You starved yourself for a while
of emotion, of sadness, of joy
You pretended to be polished,
perfect,
impervious
No storms, only a sheen of success
You gave yourself no space for emotions or motion
and now you are a torrential downpour of emotions
and no one can handle you
not even you
“You’re making yourself worse” they say
“You’re too much” they say
and then you need to say
I may be too much for you
I don’t even know what’s going on
But this is who I am
and this is who you’ll get
So make your plans knowing that
It may be a lonely road
but for the first time in a long time
You remember who you are
and you are walking on your path again